


to my first love, yeah it's you:

by bugipaca



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Awkward Mark Lee (NCT), Awkward Meetings, Best friend's brother trope, But also not, Bye my first at it's FINEST, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, First Love, Fluff and Angst, High School Students NCT Dream, Huang Ren Jun & Lee Jeno Are Best Friends, Huang Ren Jun is Whipped, Huang Ren Jun-centric, Imean same, It's BFG by Tori Vega, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT) is Bad at Feelings, Mark Lee (NCT) is a Dork, Meet-Cute?, Mentions of Moon Taeil - Freeform, Renjun is literally me, Strangers to Friends, Sweet Mark Lee (NCT), They bond over the most weirdest shit, cute stuff dudes, feelings kinda suck, i'm not even joking, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:41:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24697759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugipaca/pseuds/bugipaca
Summary: - Renjun writes a letter to the boy he has fallen utterly in love with. Unfortunately he had to fall in love with his best friend's older brother, Mark.*cue Tori Vega's BFG
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun & Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee
Kudos: 18





	1. une

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is based off on my own first love and the events that happened that led to it. if anything seems out of character & not like them keep that in mind. I hope you enjoy!  
> [not beta-d & wrote this on 0 sleep]

_So you might be thinking, 'He didn't need to get me a gift, I'm just his best friend's brother.' Well you are kinda right, though you're not just his brother to me._

Renjun's 1st year of high school was one of his worst, it was the type of year that didn't give him a break. The first couple of months was just filled with utter loneliness since he didn't really talk much (or _at all)._ Each grueling day felt like shit, and not only that but, **_damn was he real depressed._ **Life didn't feel the same anymore, and everything felt so bland. That was until Jeno came into his life with a simple question, "Hey, is that Ms.Bae's work you're doing right now?" 

Ever since that moment, Jeno & Renjun became friends and started to talk a lot more often. You'd think that Renjun's depression and loneliness will go **_poof all gone_ ** with Jeno around but, sadly that's not how life works. He struggled to understand that it was okay to confide with others, and express his emotions properly. The boy was a bottle filled of guilt, hopelessness, & sadness ready to explode at any minute. And one day it did, and all Jeno could do was to let him cry on his shoulder until he felt alright again. The other had his shitty days too and when they happened, Renjun made sure to chalk up all the advice he could give. He listens and supports him to the very end because he knows that the latter would do the same.

_It may sound silly since I don't ever text you or anything (I'm a coward & respect your privacy), but I would like to think you are my friend as well! _

Jeno had mentioned his older brother, Mark a couple of times before in passing. He knows that they both share a birthday despite being a year apart. He also knows that Mark goes to an all boys private school upstate through a scholarship program, and that he doesn't really fit in with the rich preppy boys. Whenever Jeno posts a picture or video of him, people immediately ask who he is and if they can get his number. He gets to hear the complaints of annoyance because people keep on using him for his brother, how Mark is better than him and his family don't even try to deny it, and how much he worries about him. It felt like he knew too much about a person that he never met before. Nevertheless because of all the random trivia he got over the course of a year, Renjun vowed to never in **ANY CIRCUMSTANCES** , like Mark romantically. It was going well until-

It was Christmas day and man was Renjun having the **saddest time ever.** His dad was at work, older sister out to a party and he was stuck at home with his mom doing chores. He spent his day filled with frustration and loneliness, wanting it to end. With the day almost done and brooding over with, he saw that Jeno had texted him.

"I know you had a sucky day today so I wanted to invite you to go to the Fine Arts museum with Mark! And if your mom asks if there are any adults coming with, my older cousin is coming as well!! Let me know if you have any questions!"

Immediately he ran to his mom and asked if he could go, making sure to mention that there was going to be an adult present with them. Happy that her son finally has friends to go out with, she agreed wholeheartedly.

The morning came in a blink of an eye and Renjun was over the moon. He's getting out of the house without any family members. Sounds super lame, but man it thrilling for a hermit like him. He quickly got ready for the day with all of his belongings, locked & loaded. Jeno greets his mother before beaming a wide smile at the smaller. "You ready?" 

"Hell yeah I am."

_Here's the catch, somewhere along the way of befriending you, my heart did a thing._

That's when he finally met the infamous older brother Mark, sitting shot-gun. First impression on him? Painfully awkward and stiff when trying to make conversation with his brother and friend. Was he as cute as people made him to be? A little, but Renjun didn't want to admit it. They got dropped off at the subway station and met up with Taeil, Jeno & Mark's 'cool older cousin'. 

"Taeil! This is Renjun, the friend I told you about!" 

The said boy gave a light smile to the man and stuck his hand out for a handshake. "It's nice to meet you Taeil! I hope I don't trouble you too much by joining you guys today." 

He clasps his hand and gives the younger a couple of shakes before letting go. "It's nice to meet you too Renjun! And not at all, I'm positive that you aren't a bother at all."

* * *

With the introductions done, they started their adventure to the big city. Since it was quite early in the morning, the carts were empty so they sat comfortably spaced out. Renjun learned that Taeil was visiting for the holidays and that he worked as an art curator back home. The older man explained that he could get free tickets to the museum because of it, and that's why they wanted to go there in the first place. The four of them talked the whole way through the trip upstate, always engaged with each other. Though as they were conversing, Renjun kept on glancing at Mark. He noticed that the latter was more relaxed compared to when they were in the car. It was a little thing that he noticed and yet a little part of his heart swelled at the sight of him getting more comfortable. 

They get into the building and marvel at the size of it and the amount of people in it. They waited for an hour in line (much to Jeno's distaste), and finally got in. As the teenagers walked around the expeditions, Taeil explained the history of some art pieces in the gallery. To his surprise the only person really listening to him was Jeno, but then again the younger was taking art history. Meanwhile the other two were in their own weird world of making up scenarios if they were in the 13th century, or trying to find something that had deeper meaning in a chair. It finally clicked, their personalities connected and now there was no going back from then on.

**_Thump, thump._ ** _It went whenever you_ ~~_quacked_~~ _laughed, or when you talked to me, or even your mere presence._

The next time Renjun sees Mark again is on his and Jeno's birthday. The pair of friends were at the birthday boy's house after having a little 'party' at the McDonalds near their school to celebrate. The younger had gotten gifts for both boys, even though he wasn't really that close with the latter. He felt bad that Mark might feel left out, so he wanted to give him something too. Since Renjun was on a tight budget, he decided to paint a canvas for each of them. On Jeno's painting, it was a mix of all of his talents and personality, and Mark's was a honey themed one with "Just Bee yourself" drawn across. (During their museum trip, he learned that Mark has a big thing for BumbleBee from Transformers but since he couldn't paint robots, bees was the next option.) 

Once the older stepped into the house, Renjun gave him the gift with a letter tied to it. "Happy Birthday, Mark! I hope you like it even if it's a bit random."

He gave the smaller a light chuckle at the pun and a smile back. "You didn't have to, but thank you! It's cute."

The day was filled with celebration for both of the boys. But there were moments of the day that Renjun remembers the most. It was the conversations he had with Mark, the random but welcomed conversations. He learned that they both liked the show "The Good Place" because of the humor and philosophy. That led to talking about how deep into philosophy Mark was in and how it could've caused him to have an existential crisis. The next topic led to the next and next until it was getting dark, and it was time for him to go home. That was until Jeno invited Renjun to join their birthday dinner with their father & step-mom. He had the puppy eyes ready and prepped, and the latter didn't have the heart to disagree with him so he agreed (with parent permission of course).

On the ride to the restaurant, Mark & Renjun were forced to sit in the very back. They didn't mind sitting next to each other, but it was just so tight back there. Despite the mild discomfort and Jeno worrying about Renjun being comfortable, the ride was bearable. The two in the back were talking about their childhood throwback songs with great fun, jamming with the rest of the car. They were making fun of each other and arguing about the most trivial things. This carried over to the dinner table as well to the point that their father asked, "Are you sure you're Jeno's friend and not Mark's?" 

That question stuck with Renjun for a while because it was merely friendly banter with a friend. Then why did it feel different?

  
  


_And at first I didn't understand why it happened, then it dawned on me. I liked you._

Ever since that day, the fun memories they had together got stuck in his head like glue. He couldn't stop thinking about it and how nice it was to have a deep conversation with someone. He couldn't help smiling every time his name was mentioned. This made Renjun curse at himself so **HARD**. He had to keep his word about not breaking the bro-code of liking your best friend's brother. But, damnit was it hard dude. Mark was just so likeable and it was hard NOT to feel things for him. They clicked so well with each other that both parents acknowledged it. They were seeing each other more often since Jeno & Renjun had classes together and studied some days. This was the first time that he had ever felt this way before and he hated it. So he shoved it away, telling himself that he only admires Mark deeply and that's why he thinks of him that way.

Renjun coped by writing mock confession letters to him, spilling all his emotions into it. He tried to project his crush onto an artist he liked, giving all his energy to him instead. He tried to deflect for so long and it was working for a while. He was so happy that he finally got rid of his childish crush on his friend's brother that he told Jeno about it. Thinking that Jeno would've at least been disappointed in him, he was slightly worried only to have his best friend shrug and say that it was fine. The weight of guilt was off his shoulders and he didn't have to worry about some stupid crush anymore, right?

_And I think I still do like you, (maybe with even more intensity.)_


	2. deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> renjun's epiphany & plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry!! This came out waaaay later than expected. Sorry once again TT

_ I wanted these things to go away, disappear with the snap of Thanos. Of course my heart didn't listen and my brain constantly gave reminders of you. _

Their 3rd year of school was one of the busiest, with both boys preoccupied with clubs and planning for next year. Despite that they still made time to hang out with each other, even if it was just chilling at Jeno's house (their go-to place). Since Renjun was always at their house, Mark was never phased at the sight of the other boy, but for some reason on this one particular day the air around him felt kinda off. He wasn't goofy or loud as he normally was. Just stared off into space whilst a rerun of "Parks & Recreation" played on tv screen. Something was  **wrong** , but it wasn't in his place to do anything about it. 

Later in the day, the older boy found out an artist that Renjun looked up to had passed that day. Subtly, he tried to cheer the younger boy by helping with his French work. And when he was done with his blanket, he lightly threw the blanket at the smaller boy's figure. 

Renjun giggled at the gesture and gave the other a soft smile. "Thanks, I guess. Even if I didn't ask for it."

Mark was pooped from his school work and his small break on the couch did help a little bit, though he  _ needed  _ to get back to work, ASAP.

"Jeno, can you slap me right now so I could get back to work?" 

Cue the younger brother scoffing. "No, I don't want to. Ask Renjun to slap you instead." 

He whipped his head towards the said boy, his eyes pleading and glimmering. "Could you slap me right now? Like real hard so I can get back to work."

"Are you sure?? I don't wanna hurt you…." 

The comment gave Jeno a chuckle. "Don't worry, Junnie. It'll be fine~"

The next thing you know, they heard a light slap from Mark's cheek and Renjun immediately rubbing where he slapped. 

"Ah! I'm so sorry I didn-" 

The victim didn't let him finish his sentence."Nope, you're not apologising for this. I asked for it and received what I wanted." 

Pouting at the other's words, he nodded. With a little pink hue on his right cheek, the slap-ee stood up and stretched his limbs to get back to work. He gave the pouting boy a light hair ruffle before going to his room. 

What he didn't see was the tinge of pink booming on Renjun's cheeks.

_ I tried denying my feelings away, and that just made it worse. Why do you have to be so diddly darn cute? And exactly my type?  _

One day, Mark had asked him a question that led him to a loophole of thoughts. "What's one thing this year you've done and regret doing so?"

Immediately he thought, ' **_Liking you for those two weeks.'_ **

"Uhm, applying for IB French." He gave the other a nervous giggle. 

Fast-forward to the wee hours of the night Renjun was very awake, deep in his thoughts. 

**'Do I still like Mark?**

**Why did I like him?**

**What caused me to like him?**

**Can I live with never telling him?**

**If I were to tell him, how do I do it?**

**Why do I think about him all the time?**

  
  


**Fuck I still like him don't I?'**

Renjun realized that all the small moments and conversations he had with Mark, he still remembers vividly. He remembers their deep but brief talks about life, dragging him to the nearest drugstore to get him allergy medicine, feeding him ice cream, etc. His cute smile & laugh was sewed into his brain, always there whenever he daydreamed or drifted away from reality. All this time of feeling happy that he was over something as trivial as a crush was native because it was always there, just a little dormant. He knew that there was absolutely  **NO WAY** he liked him back. It wouldn't make any sense at  **ALL** . They don't text each other heck, they don't even have each other's socials or phone numbers. The only times they talk is when Mark's finally home or when they go out as the three of them. Since he was such a tiny part of his life, the percentage of him feeling the same way was little to none. 

_ I want to get to know you more, and have excuses to admire you longer. I want to be there for the times when you are down, and need a pick me up. There's so many things I want, but are too far to actually get to.  _

The more Renjun thought about it, the more he thought that his crush on Mark was unreasonable, mind boggling even. It just didn't make sense. How can you like someone that you don't see or talk everyday? He knew that he didn't like him for only his face (it was a plus). Maybe it was because of how hard he works everyday, and despite how tired he was, he tried his best. Maybe it was how effortless they had gotten along in such a short amount of time. Maybe it was how they can connect with each other intellectually and have conversations about anything. 

He wanted to be the person that Mark could rely on, his shoulder to cry on whenever life got too hard. Knowing that he didn't have a lot of people to truly feel himself, Renjun yearned to be his safe space; the one that can take all of his worries away. He knew that all of this thinking was wishful and could never happen, however the inkling of hope grew more as the days passed by. He learned about the older boy's small quirks and yet he wants to know more,  ~~so he can love more~~. More than anything, he wants to see him be happy as himself and not what his family or peers want. He wants him to embrace the weird, but endearing boy inside of him and not the uptight prep boy he was made to be. So why didn't he? What stopped Renjun from learning more about the other?

It was himself. In the past, he subjected himself in multiple heartbreaks that now he refuses to admit to. How vulnerable he felt during those times pained him to think about, and he'd rather not have that happen again. Renjun didn't want Mark to be the cause of his unhappiness. After all he  ~~ loves ~~ likes him so much, having to let go was going to be the hardest thing to do. 

  
  


_ Yeah, I know I'm a coward and I'm sure this came out of nowhere for you. However, I want to get this out of my chest.  _

After a shit ton of brooding and thinking, he had gotten to a reaching point. Renjun knew that if he were to keep this to himself, it would never go away and that kinda really sucks. He was a man with a plan.

It became a thing for Mark getting gifts whenever Jeno got one too. So when planning for their Christmas, Renjun had a sweet plan to confess to the older. 

Writing a love letter to him.

Cheesy I know, but it was such a cute idea! He was gonna paint BumbleBee on a cover of a blank notebook, and it would've been EPIC.

If the plan went through and he didn't mess up… Back to the drawing board he went, finding other ways to decorate a notebook because now he has too many. What was something that was crafty that he could make with things at home? Stickers! He proceeded to draw stickers of Transformer & Marvel characters for him. 

Starting the letter was going to be easy since he did some mock ups in the past right? The answer will be no, not at all. Why'd you ask? Well at the time, the letters were Renjun apologising for liking Mark in the first place and was grateful that it didn't go through. Of course that doesn't hold true anymore as those feelings never truly went away like he originally thought. Now he had to write at least two pages of his actual feelings on paper, crazy. All of his life, he waited for a romantic moment to write to his crush but when it actually came, it was terrifying to say the least. He went to his notes to see one of his late night sleepy letters titled " **To Mark** ". He read it over with some sleep and not deep in his emotions, and it was well….. 

_ "On god why do I like you so much, like dude you have NO right being so freaking CUTE and HARDWORKING and undeniably PERFECT BUT NOT AT THE SAME TIME-" _ Okay maybe he needs to write this over. 

__ _ I'm so fond of the idea of being with you and that kinda scares me, a lot. Maybe it's delusional for me to think I have a chance with you, but a boy can dream right?  _

Jeno & Renjun were hanging out with Donghyuck, a friend of theirs, when they were reliving the past. One in particular was going to Pride with Mark & another friend, Jaemin. Donghyuck had mentioned how Renjun was taking care of the older boy and was very comfortable in his presence. What caught the said boy off guard was the following comment. 

"Renjun & Mark look cute together, don't you think? I know Renjun takes care of everyone, but something about him with Mark that day was so endearing. They were always in their own world, and no one could really stop it." 

All he could do was nervously chuckle and rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. "Ah...It's nothing like that, we just get along well!" 

Jeno quirked an eyebrow at his response and questioned the other. "So you do admit that you guys have some chemistry right?" Immediately, Renjun hit him on the shoulder for him to shut up. 

_ It's okay if you don't like me back, if anything I expect rejection wholeheartedly. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked that chapter! i think there's only two more left of this fic but that's tba.  
> scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/injunbug) and [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/injunbug)


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